Being Bobby Brown Jr.

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HELL NO!! I'm NOT TURNING DOWN MY LIGHT 4 U

DISCLAIMER: This post is dedicated to what Kanye West calls 'The Dreamkillers' or what i call HATERS. We all have them (some more than others) and i've accepted the reality that they aint going away anytime soon. I've also learned how NOT to allow them to steal my joy or make me turn down the light that shines within me. Warning-this piece contains a few bad words :) (after all we are talkin to the haters)

WHAT??? u want me to turn down my light for you? why b/c the brightness reminds u of how much u don't like yourself or b/c it makes you uncomfortable to be around somebody who does. i know u are intimidated by my honesty b/c u surround yourself with people (your so called friends and sometimes family) who support your drama by constantly lying to you b/c they are afraid to hurt your feelings. I've heard you say "he's too much" and "he thinks he's all that" when referring to me and you know what I FULLY AGREE! I am too much in fact I'm more than too much I'M MUCH MORE! and since when did they start giving our mind reading degrees? (please share the knowledge cuz i need to get me one of those) You can't tell me what i THINK until you've been in my head but for the record, I DO THINK I'M ALL THAT b/c if I didn't WHO WOULD? (i know i cant count on u for that) i can't help the fact that my light shines bright where ever i go and people notice it. the thing you fail to understand is THAT IS NOT MY ISSUE! I DON'T CARE if people notice it, are uncomfortable with it, don't like it, etc. THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM & THEIR WORK TO DO...i'm ok with me and besides i'm working with a GIFT given to me by my creator and it FORCES me to shine. I'm not scared and will NEVER be afraid of you b/c he ALWAYS has my back and he ALWAYS takes care of me. so do me a favor, stop hating and start trying to figure out how u can turn up your light instead of letting other people keep it dim. stop hating and maybe you can actually digest some of the positive energy it gives off that you've missed b/c of your hate, stop trying to engage others in your hate b/c they see something you don't and while yes you will find a few others like yourself with dim lights, you are gonna run into many more people with lights that are bright (sometimes brighter than mine!)in case you hadn't noticed, i'm not going anywhere and to answer your question, HELL NO! I'm NOT TURNING DOWN MY LIGHT FOR YOU! Last but certainly not least, i have a motto by which i live my life and I want to share it with you to help you better understand how to relate to me going forward. My motto is "LIKE ME OR LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" Good luck on your journey to find peace....

YOU ARE LOVED! ~A Post About Suicide~(Updated)

*The title of this post was inspired by this song

So I'm havin a very hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that within da last 72hrs not 1 but 2 people (one whom I'm VERY close with) attempted suicide! One succeeded (RIP Joseph Jefferson) thank god da other didn't and even tho he's in pretty bad shape emotionally I spoke with him 2nite and he's ok. At his request I won't share anything else about him but I do want to highly encourage each of u to check on your friends and the people you love. If u feel like sumthin ain't rite it probaly isn't. Be persistent NOT pushy and make yourself available. I know depression is not a joke but there is NO EXCUSE 2 take yo life! NONE! It's not yours to take & its an absolutely heartless, cowardly & selfish thing to do 2 the people who care about you (and yes despite what you think SOMEBODY cares about YOU!) Even if it's only ONE person that ONE person cares and doesn't deserve the hurt & pain you'll cause by removing yourself from da earth .

Just in case u can't think of anybody I'll give one to start with. What about the person who despite havin a full time job several kids and a disabled parent to manage/deal with on a daily basis, makes a way to VOLUNTEER at least one nite out of there week to sit by a phone in a SUICIDE CRISIS CENTER waiting to take calls from people like you who they know nothing about! Why? because THEY CARE! THERE IS NO EXCUSE!

I had a very close friend who was an only child. In 2005, he lost his mother and grandmother during hurricane Katrina. He committed suicide and tho I've forgiven him and i miss him terribly I'm still very hurt by what he did and despite his circumstances I STILL feel what he did was wrong and there is STILL NO EXCUSE to take you our life! I DON'T CARE how bad u think it is.

About 3 years ago, EVERYTHING that could go wrong in my life did with. I was laid off a job that I actually really liked without any warning or savings, the person I'd spent 3 years of my life with and loved more than i'd ever loved ANYBODY hurt me in a way that I thought at the time was completely irrepairable & to make matters worse even tho I had a place to lay my head (thank god for David Blake) I was technically homeless. At the time I was living in DC and sumhow convinced myself that moving back to NYC would make things (& me better) NOT! The depression only got worse. The sadness only got worse, The pain only got worse, The loneliness only got worse, The feelings of failure & worthlessness only got worse, The isolation only grew deeper because I convinced myself that NOBODY understood what i was going thru and I was TIRED of picking myself up after falling so many times. I never wanted to become "that person" who ALWAYS lives there life going from one crisis to another and I'd convinced myself I'd become him. Even though I was raised with a full understanding of who GOD is, I'd convinced myself he really didnt care about people like me because i was one of "those people" who I'd been taught to be believe was an abomindation & therefore destined to hell. So praying or talking to GOD was off the table and not an option. I needed to numb the pain so i tried a WHOLE LOTTA STUFF including sex, drugs and a few other things that arent worthy of mentioning because NONE OF IT WORKED!

Up to that point, I hadnt imagined my life without my partner so I convinced myself life really wasnt worth living since it seemed like everytime things were going well in my life, SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN that would knock me down & I'd spend a ridiculous amount of time & energy picking myself up and starting all over again. For the very first time in my life, I started thinking about ending my life. It started as small random thoughts and before I knew it, it was all I could think about but the shame of admitting that 'strong Bobby who has gone thru a lot' was at his breaking point kept me from reaching out to the people who love me including my close friends & family.

Honestly I really dont remember the details leading up to the actual day/attempt. I do remember reaching out to my ex and telling him what I'd done. The next thing I remember was laying in a bed at NY Presbterian hospital in the psych emergency room all alone (except for the CRAZYS & CRIMINALS) surrounding me. I spent the next 2 weeks in Allen Pavillion (psych ward). The 2nd nite I was there, I met my psych doctor and she planted the seed that put me on the path to recovery. The very first thing she said was "Mr. Brown you're better than this & you know it! You're smarter than this & you know it! You're bigger than this & you know it! and if you don't use the time you're here to bring it back into your consiousness!" At that point I broke down and cried for 3 hours straight. I cried so much the nurse offered me a pill to calm my nerves..lol i politely declined and cried some more. As I cried, the words to an old song entitled 'Lean On Me' they used to sing at the church I was raised in came to my mind and wouldnt leave. Here are the lyrics:

When no one cared about me, if I should live or die. When no one bothered asking, why go along jus cry. When burdens got so heavy, I could not face the day. Thats when I feel his arms around me & I hear him gently say...

LEAN ON ME...when you have no strength to stand, when you feel you're going under, hold tighter to my hand. LEAN ON ME...when your heart is getting weak, WHEN YOU COME TO A PLACE WHERE IM ALL YOU HAVE, YOU WILL FIND I'M ALL YOU NEED!

Now the road is getting rugged, and the path is getting steep. I feel that i cant make it, and my heart is getting weak thats when I turn to see who's coming to guide me along the way, I can thats its my savior and i can hear him gently say...

LEAN ON ME...when you have no strength to stand, when you feel you're going under, hold tighter to my hand. LEAN ON ME...when your heart is getting weak, WHEN YOU COME TO A PLACE WHERE IM ALL YOU HAVE, YOU WILL FIND I'M ALL YOU NEED!

At that moment, I reintroduced myself to GOD and apologized for having a "when i need you relationship with him" Fast forward 3 years and I have a job, I have place to live, Im still very single but I'm HAPPY with me. I got my joy back! I got my peace back! Life hasnt been easy cuz its really just not meant to be but I'M STILL HERE! & I'm still about my future!

I've shared my very personal story (and yall know how private I am about my business)  with the hopes that at least ONE person can use my experience as inspiration to keep going! keep pumping! keep pressing! keep smiling, keep being grateful, keep moving & keep living because in spite of what you may think at this moment, YOU ARE LOVED!

PS You have my permission to pass share this post any way you see fit! My only request is that you let me know via email bobbybrownjr@gmail.com, facebook or twitter so that im prepared in case people might wanna reach out to me as a result of you sharing this.  

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that I worked thru that whole "people like me are an abomination and destined to hell" foolishness. The easiest way to explain it is to repost my reply to a recent comment on my FB page regarding the topic.  Shoutout to my girl Kathy who actually instigated the conversation..lol here is our exchange directly from the comment section of my facebook page.

Katherine Hardney Banks Pastor Gordon often said we would be great servants of God if we were on an island by ourselves. Ppl will get in the way if you let them. Maybe he was trying to fight it. I believe Pastor Donnie McClurkin who acknowledged he is not a praticing homosexual anymore and that God can deliver you. He also said if you happy being gay, stay that way he just knows what God did for him. Im like Tupac, "Only God Can Judge Me!" and he will!

Bobby Brown Jr wow..this is a sensitive topic that can spark a lot of emotions based on peoples commitment to their point of view. @kathy i love you and will still love you after u read my next few statements. There is no such thing such thing as being "d...elivered" from homosexuality.If there were I would have gotten it MANY years ago and passed it on 2 every other homosexual i know. I stop askin GOD to "deliver" me from being gay after he told me that he made me exactly the way he wanted me. If he wanted me to be anything/body else he wouldve made me that way. Period! The GOD i serve doesnt make mistakes & we have a GREAT relationship! btw Pastor McClurkin is still a homosexual & its only a matter of time b4 he's exposed jus like Eddie Long. We can agree to disagree on this topic b/c our views are different. Im also not interested in using the comment section of my facebook page to dialogue about it & I still luv ya like cooked food :)

Pisces Daily Horoscope 10/26/10 - Reflection on Impulse

Your emotions could seem beyond your control today. A sense that your thoughts are subject to your heart and not your intellect may compel you to act compulsively without regard for the consequences. This might be due to an underlying feeling of anger and dissatisfaction with where you are in your life right now. You may want to increase your awareness of your emotional thought patterns today.

Try to step away from your desires and take a mental inventory of your life. If you have shelter, food, income, and social support, then you should realize that there is very little to be dissatisfied with in your life. You may notice that your emotions have very little to do with your actual situation. You could find that you begin to see things for what they are and could act with greater reason as a result.

Examining our lives realistically allows us to more easily control our irrational thoughts and emotions. When we recognize that sometimes our emotions can get carried away and cause us to act impulsively, we see that we have the power to rein them in. We notice that our compulsions come from a search for satisfaction from things outside of ourselves and that we can never fill this need except from within. As we understand our thought patterns and realize that everything in our lives is as it should be, our compulsions will recede into the distance. Thinking about your emotional thought patterns rationally today will give you greater control over your impulses.

c/o Daily OM - Nurturing Mind Body & Spirit. 

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Create Time For Self Compassion

*Being Gentle With Ourselves

'The more we are able to treat our bodies with gentleness, the more compassion we will call forth into our lives.'

During those times when our lives are filled with what seems to be constant change and growth, it is important to remember that we need to be gentle with ourselves. Since it can be easy to use our energy to keep up with the momentum of our lives, we may not be aware of the fact that we are much more likely to run ourselves down. When things seem to be moving quickly, it is especially essential that we make a point to slow down and be gentle with ourselves.

It might be difficult to notice what is happening to us for we may be so caught up in the whirlwind of our lives that we lose sight of the direction in which things are heading. Being gentle with ourselves doesn’t mean that we don’t accomplish things. Instead it means that we honor ourselves on an ongoing basis and take care of the needs of our bodies.

This means different things to different people. For instance, it could mean having a session with a healer; taking a remedy, herbs, or vitamins; or getting extra sleep. Putting our energy into ourselves in this way helps create space for a more positive, loving, and accepting view of our lives. By setting the intention to do so, we will be more cognizant of our energy levels on a daily basis and more able to replenish them as needed.

The more we are able to treat our bodies with gentleness, the more tenderness and compassion we will call forth into our lives. Learning to understand and pay attention to what our self needs will in turn allow us to fill our lives with unlimited loving and healing energy and to truly take care of the things that mean the most to us.

*This post is courtesy of Daily OM

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Pisces Daily Horoscope 10/1/10 - Love You For Yourself

You may be overexerting your energy either at work or with exercise today, which could leave you tired. Doing more than you are able to and pushing yourself might be the result of your desire to receive praise and validation from other people. Perhaps if you can work on being comfortable with who you are no matter what you do today, you might find it easier to rest and rejuvenate yourself. Should you at any time notice any thoughts you have that make you feel imperfect, you can repeat a simple affirmation to yourself such as “I am wonderful just as I am” or “Everything about me is beautiful.” Simple sentences as these can serve as reminders of how much you have to offer others and the strength of the beauty and talent that resides within you. 

Learning to love ourselves in our present state is a powerful tool for regaining our peace of mind. Our constant desire to always want to outdo ourselves is something that tends to push us to unhealthy limits. Being able to rest and heal ourselves, however, first begins with a shift in our attitude toward who we are. If we can recognize the treasure that we are on a more fundamental level, we will be more able to let go of our need to exert ourselves and release into the joy and wonders of what our lives are in the present. Putting your energy into yourself positively today will reenergize and revitalize you in the best way possible. 

 

c/o Daily OM - Nurturing Mind Body & Spirit. 

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A Moment of Choice ~ Starting New

Starting something new allows us to choose to reset knowing that with each choice we learn, grow, and move forward.

There are times in our lives that lend themselves to starting something new. The beginning of a new year, finishing school, leaving a job, or changing homes—these all are times that turn our minds to fresh starts. Their advantage is that they bring with them the energy of that event, creating a tide of change around them that we can ride to our next shoreline. But we can choose to start anew anytime. In any moment we can decide that a bad day or a relationship that’s gotten off on the wrong foot can be started again. It is a mental shift that allows us to clean the slate and approach anything with fresh eyes, and we can make that choice at any time. 

Starting new is most powerful when we focus our attention to what we are choosing to create. Giving all of our attention to the unwanted aspects of our lives allows what we resist to persist. We need to remember to leave enough room in the process of new beginnings to be kind to ourselves, because it takes time to become accustomed to anything new, no matter how much we like it. There is no need to get down on ourselves if we don’t reach our new goals instantly. Instead, we acknowledge the forward motion and choose to reset and start again, knowing that with each choice we learn, grow, and move forward. 

Making the choice to start anew has its own energy—it’s a promise made to you. The forward momentum creates a sort of vacuum behind it, pulling toward you all you need to help you continue moving in your chosen direction. Once the journey has begun, it may take unexpected turns, but it never really ends. Like cycles in nature, there are periods of obvious growth and periods of dormancy that signal a time of waiting for the right moment to burst forth. Each time we choose to start anew we dedicate ourselves to becoming the best we are able to be. 

From the BBBJr Archives ~ Alpha Phi Alpha - Addressing The "Gay" Controversy Part I

Originally posted 9/11/05

 

David, Me & Jamal

ok i have to start by saying that yes I am a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. I crossed those hot ass burning sands on April 21st of 2001 at 4:33:30 am. I was #4 on a line of 5 brothers who remain some of my closest friends. I'm extremely proud of my undergraduate experience as a member of the Notorious Nu Rho Chapter. I've been VERY active with the fraternity serving in various roles on the chapter, district and regional levels. I've recieved many awards for my service including The Depaul University Multicultural Greek Council's distinguished Man of the Year award. My dean/pledge father David Blake and my two pledge sons Jamal are my closest friends. In fact, I recently offered David a percentage of ownership in my company so yea this ALPHA thing is very serious to me. a lot of people have said "i cant see you pledging in a fraternity" and my response is usually "neither did i" i almost didnt think i would after my initial interaction with the chapter.I'll never forget it Oct. 22, 2000 i went to a neophyte party for a new brother in the chapter. i introduced myself to David (he was the chapter president at the time) we had a conversation about my interest in joinin the chapter and he said something that immediately irritated me. he said "u just want to be in my fraternity for what it can give you" i abruptly cut him off and said "Actually I'm going to be successful whether or not i'm a member of your fraternity or not however i'd like to have it as a part of my success and that is why im here" he gave me an odd yet stern look and walked away. the rest of the story is not important to this entry jus know that i later learned that my comment is one of the reason i'm an alpha today.

i provided that background info to help u understand why i have some credibility on the topic. i'm a member of the Alpha East Listserv which is a yahoogroup for brothers to exchange information and basically stay in the loop on alpha happenings on the east coast. overall i've always found it to be useful and quite informative until a few months ago when an email chain started with the subject line of "Homosexuals In Alpha". I was immediately annoyed because the black community has so many other serious pressing issues to be concerned with than Homosexuality. Still i decided to read what was being discussed with the hopes that someone would shut the conversation down. Day after day more brothers joined the dialogue postin homophobic ignorant messages like "how can a gay brother mentor a young male on relationships?" and "we need to figure out how to ban gays from joining the fraternity" come on really? after about a week of this madness i posted to the following message to the listserv

 

Brothers,

After reading the emails related to this topic overthe last couple of days, I really struggled with whether or not I should address the topic or keep my thoughts to myself. However the more I read the more I'm troubled and therefore feel compelled to share my thoughts. First of all I completely agree with the last post (the brother who spoke about discrimination). I'm also finding it difficult to understand how a brothers sexuality has any relevance to his ability to not only be a good alpha but a damn good brother. My experience as a brother in this fraternity has shown me that being heterosexual is definitly NOT an indicator of a whether or not a brother is going to be a good alpha who is commited to our fraternity and the principles we were founded on. In fact, the following quote which came from the book"Black Greek 101" written by Dr.Walter Kimbrough (who happens to be a well respected Alpha) contradicts most of the arguments presented in this dialogue. In Chapter 6 (The Future of Black Greek Life), he states"My personal observations from my own fraternity conventions, to attendance at National Pan-Hellenic Council meetings, clearly show me numerous homosexual members who seem to be the backbone of organizations, ironically built on traditional sexual roles."

It is my sincere belief that one of the reasons we aren't progressing as an organization is based on the fact that the criteria or "standards" some of us are using to select new members is flawed, and ineffective especially if we're using a brothers sexuality as a significant factor. Having spent more than 8 years in Human Resources including several years in recruiting, I happen to know a little bit about this subject matter. Unfortunatly, society and many of our churches have taught us that being a homosexual is wrong and individuals who happen to be gay should be treated differently. The reality is sexual preference is just that a sexual preference. I understand that this factmight be difficult for some of you to accept because of what you've allowed yourself to believe about the topic. But I'd like to challenge you to look at the big picture as it relates to this fraternity and the topic of homosexuality. Consider the possibility that being gay is only one aspect of a persons total being.It doesnt necessarily define him/her and definitly doesnt determine whether or not he/she is a good person who could and probaly would perform a task as hard if not harder than you. How does that relate to Alpha you might ask? Well being a good alpha based on what i've learned involves many things including but not limited to paying dues, remaining active, performing manly deeds, and using your life to make adifference. I find it pretty sad that many of the brothers who initiate discussions such as this one that take us off the course of doing the work of Alpha, tend not to be active (both physically and financially) and are therefore not contributing to making things better within the frat. Please understand that I'm not saying we should completely ignore sexual preference because it is important factor but it shouldnt be a major factor in the selection process. Quite honestly, I would rather have a gay brother who is gonna roll up his sleeves and do the work of Alpha without the bullshit than to have a straight brother who proudly wears his paraphenia but doesnt attend chapter meetings, doesnt participate int he planning of chapter activities and makes excuses why he cant do the work. At this point, we have enought-shirt wearers who only show up for intake and who arent interested in being an active contributer to our success. I challenge the brothers especially the Membership Intake Chairmen to really look at your selection process and the criteria you are using to measure an aspirants ability to be a part of this powerful, elite and exclusive fraternity. Brothers its time to take Alpha Phi Alpha to the next level. We have been stagnet for too long and now is the time to make a difference especially since we are moving into our 100th year. As an alpha, I've learned not toconcern myself with other peoples opinion of me. Iknow who I am and that's really all that matters at the end of the day. Wrap your brain around the factt hat people are gonna think what they want to think about us (as alphas and as black men) regardless to what we do. Since we cant control people thoughts,lets stop wasting valuable time discussing topics like this that could quite possibly be offensive to a brother who could quite possibly be a chapter president who happens to be gay. Consider the possibility that some of the comments shared throughout this dialogue could be offensive enough for him to stop doing the work of Alpha which would leave a chapter in a pretty bad situation. Im very proud tobe an Alpha and I learned a long time ago that you can only get out of this experience (as an alpha) what you put in. I challenge brothers to start putting in some real work so the world can start reaping the benefits of what this organization is really about.

 

I said earlier that i was hoping a brother would say something to shut the conversation down but i realized sometimes you gotta take things into your own hands. Shoutout to the Notorious Nu Rho Chapter, my line SS H.H.H. Justin, Melvin, Eric & Antione (who just got married! Congrats Ship) my pledge sons Jamal & Aaron and my pledge dad David.

1111119......06

Who Is Bobby Brown Jr.?

  Originally Posted 8/18/05






Last night I realized that its been about a week since i started this page and over 500 people have visited my page thus far. WOW! Thats BIG! I had no idea giving people a little glimse into my world would be so scary yet so overwhelmingly fulfilling. I'm honored and humbled so many people visit each day and send me messages (via email) thanking me and encouraging me to keep it up. I thought to myself "You need to tell the people who don't know u the abbreviated version of your story or a little bit about who you are" I hope by doing this, it will clear the space that has been stopping a few folks from getting my message. You know the space im referring to...the space run by that little voice thats been asking all kinds of questions like who the hell is he? how did he become so well rounded? is he gay, straight or bi? where did he get the balls to quit his job and start a business? is he doin the business full-time or working on the side? and the most popular question...Is he really about to get published? I'll do my best to answer most if not all of the questions but there are a couple i wont even touch because they dont make a significant enough difference in yours or my world. Consider this my one and only attempt at telling you who i am authentically without conditions. if you still have questions after this...well.....work through that and i promise u wont lose any sleep over it. (cuz i won't) i will share this much (b/c it won't be addressed below) throughout my life i have been sexually & physically abused, brutally beaten, robbed, homeless, betrayed, heartbroken, spent a few months in a mental institution, scammed, talked about and mistreated but guess what...IM STILL BREATHING AND STILL I RISE..NEVER TO GIVE UP AND NEVER TO GIVE IN...AGAINST ALL ODDS!!

My birth name is Bobby Brown Jr. (yes i've been tortured about that for as far back as i can remember. In elementary school is was New Edition, in high school it was My Perogative and in college it was "why are u a crackhead" or "why u mess up whitney like that so ive heard it all!) I'm 28 years old and im the second of 7 children (from the same momma and daddy). I was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois on the south side of the city. I've always been both well and out spoken. I was the child that when we got whippings would ask why and wouldnt shut up till i either got another whipping or persuaded by my siblings to shut the hell up. I've always been very active in school activities. (in other words an overachiever) In elementary school i always got the leads in plays and was very popular. I've always been a leader (or as my momma always says BOSSY) If I couldnt be the president of the council, i didnt want to be a part of it.

I was raised in a VERY STRICT religious (not jehovah witness, cogic, penticostal or santified) household which sheltered me from many of the things (tv, sex, etc) other young people experienced. To give you a taste of how strict it was we didnt have a television in my house until i was probaly 13. We were in church Sun, Tues and Friday with choir rehearsal on Sat. My sisters couldnt wear pants and we couldnt wear shorts in the summer time. our church had a piano and organ and we werent allowed to listen to worldly or gospel music. (i know u thinkin thats B-A-N-A-N-A-S) we didnt celebrate christmas but i have to say my dad always made up for it by buying us toys year round and reminding us to consider them as christmas gifts.

my family was very close and we did everything together. my mom didnt work so she was the pta mom and the all up in all of her kids business type of mom. we had family dinner and family devotion EVERY night. we weren't upper middle class by any means but we had exactly what we needed to get by. my mom was a thrift store and hand-me-down fanatic which got on my damn nerve. especially when she would dress my brother (whos dark skinned) and i alike...(like anybody in there right minds would think we were twins)...anyway i digress...so i decided to go to a performing arts/college prep school on the north side of the city against my parents wishes. in there words "aint nothing on the north side but gay people and white folks u dont have no business there" being the stubborn ass that i was, i somehow got an application to the school i wanted to go to, forged there signature, secured an audition appointment, went to the audition and showed my ass and got in to the highly competitive Lincoln Park High School. because i didnt apply to any other schools, when the acceptance letter came, my mom hesistantly agreed to let me go b/c my first cousin (who also got accepted) would be attending.

HIGH SCHOOL

Most of my high school experience is a blur for me for a couple of reasons. First I ended up leaving home at the end of my sophmore year so the last 2 years of hs were spent as a grown ass teenager with a condo and responsiblities. (why i left home is not up for discussion just know that everything happens for a reason and i have been on my own since i left and i have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents) The other reason it's a blur is because I realize that the person i was back then is definitely not the person i am today. i was soooo angry back then and i lashed out at anybody in my presence yet i still managed to be one of the most popular people at my school. my name had a lot to do with that especially since i decided to run against a jr and 2 seniors my freshmen year for the highest ranking elected position at our school. i think back and wonder what the hell was i thinkin running for the most powerful position a student could hold at that young age. the crazy part about it is that i won. yep i became the first black local school council student rep at lincoln park high school. i stayed in that position until my senior year. dont ask me how i managed that at 15 cuz i couldnt tell u.

After High School

Desperate to move out of Chicago yet not ready to go to school i moved to Milwaukee, WI (eww i know milwaukee) i got my first real job as a Receptionist in the HR Consulting division of a Fortune 500 accounting firm. (i dont list the names of my former employers b/c ive written a book about my experience in HR and i have to protect my ass and assets :) Anyway i was immediatly intrigued by HR and knew very early on that would be the area my career would be focused on. i left the accounting firm and went away to a HSBU because i felt like i missed out on the "black" experience by attending a predomintley white (trust fund baby) school. The 1 year i spent at shaw university in north carolina was an interesting and very challenging learning experience. so i left shaw and moved to Houston, TX to attend the University of Houston. while at shaw, i secured a 6 month internship with Walt Disney World in Orlando so shortly after i moved to houston, i left for florida for what has become one of the BEST experiences of my life. it was my version of the mtv show "the real world" with all the drama but no cameras. i'll never forget that experience.

After the internship, i went back to houston for a while and decided to move back to chicago. while in chicago, i worked in some pretty high profile jobs for a few big name companies. i also attended depaul university and pledged in a fraternity while working a full time job as a hr manager. (heavy shit! what can i say im addicted to being busy) it has always been my dream to live in NYC. not for any reason in particular i just wanted to experience it but i wanted to make sure i was finished with school before i did it. shortly after graduation, i decided to follow my dream and move to new york.

i thought i was ready for new york since im from chicago but i quickly realized that nyc is a beast and only the strong survive. dont get me wrong it was everything i imagined it to be. i met some wonderful people and had some bomb ass sex while i was there but the easiest way to explain my view of nyc is to say that it is WORK! everything is work..finding a job, riding the subway, shopping, finding an apartment and lets not talk about the taxes...they have city, state and federal taxes..so basically u work to pay taxes...Overall i have to say that i dont regret my ny experience because by actually living there and experiencing the culture, i achieved the goal i set for myself.

NOW

in december of last year, i decided that i wasnt going to work for another company. i was sick of wasting my talents on these corporations and not getting valued for my hard work. after i made that declaration, Brown Knows LLC showed up and ive been on that path ever sense. i resigned from my good government job in january to pursue launching my company full-time and it was the single BEST decision i ever made. i'm happier now than ive ever been and i'm loving this new journey (bumps and all). i know that im building something that is destined for success because at the core of my drive and intention is a sincere desire to help people. failure is not an option for me so im doing whatever it takes to make this work!

FINALLY

i hate labels and being defined by them. if you really want to irritate me, try describing somebody to me with a label in front of your description..(i.e. thats James u know the gay dude) sexuality plays such a small part in the big picture so unless u tryin to hav sex with me or if knowing my sexual preference will make a significant difference in your life dont ask me about mine. and do me a HUGE favor, if somebody asks you about me or u are trying to describe me simply say his name is bobby brown jr (not whitney's husband)!

FREE

 

Wait a minute, wait a minute
I think I got to take some time and clear my mind cause if I don't I might (scream)
Scream out loud in a little bit
I'm a tell you what I'm talking about Ladies (Ladies, ladies)
If you know what I mean
When you in love you give your everything
(I'm tired of that happening)
This time is for you and me
You been doing you
I'm goin' do me
Ladies help me sing it

[Pre-chorus]
You steady telling lies
I stayed and pacified
While I kept denying the truth
You always here and there
Finally I don't care
I'm going to keep it real with you

[Chorus]
Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your hearts in the right place, yeah
Ain't no feeling like being free
When you've done all you could
But what's misunderstood
(It's all good, it's all good)
Ain't no feeling like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
And finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feeling like being free
Cause my minds amde up
And my heart is in the right place, yeah

[Verse 2- Beyonce]
Hold 'em up, wait a second
I got to get something off my chest
My happiness was our happiness, I lived and (breathed)
You and all your needs
Let me speak, it's best I do what's best for me
Now ladies, (ladies)
I got my mind back
I been there and done that (no looking back no)
Oh, this time is for me
If you been doing you
I'm going to do me
I'm free

[Pre-chorus 2]
Time is of the essence
And it's much too short to waste another minute on you
While you steady trying to hide
I'm packing saying bye
Thought you were my dream come true

[Repeat Chorus]
[Bridge (Kelly)]
No it ain't easy being left out (no)
Or being forgotten about (being forgotten about)
You don't deserve my love (my love)
I've had enough set me free (free)

[Repeat Chorus]

[Verse 3- (Michelle)]
Can I get some loving (mmm)
Can I get some time (mmm)
Loving in the morning (Yeah)
And in the midnight hour (baby,baby)
I gave you everyting you wanted (wanted)
I gave you everything you needed (mmm)
But you just didn't do right (no,no)
So baby I'm leaving
It feels good to be free

A Mother's Love

In honor of Mother's Day, I've decided to re-post a tribute I did for my mom back in Sept '05.

A Mother's love is something that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining, it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence of God's tender guiding hand.

~Helen Steiner Rice~

I'll never forget the day I really realized how amazing my mother is and how much of an impact she's had on my life. I was in college taking a class called "The Psychology of Family" (i know interesting right). One of our final project was to do an analysis on the relationship between inherited characteristics from both parents. A part of the assignment required us to list the characteristics we liked & didn't like about ourselves and link them to each of our parents. The more I worked on it, the more I realized that just about every characteristic I liked about myself were things that had always irritated me about my mother.For example, my mother has the ability to adapt to ANY situation. She's very outgoing and naturally friendly. I remember being annoyed everytime I went somewhere with her b/c she could strike up a convo with just about anyone and end up in these long ass conversations where the person was telling her all their business. She wasn't a stranger to sharing her business either. I can never forget the many times she popped me in my mouth for giving her nasty looks as we stood in the cashier line as she shared way too much information. "I gotta get these children something to eat. They walking around here looking pitiful like they aint ate all week" Meanwhile, I'm standing there thinking to myself 'she didnt ask u all that just pay her so we can get the hell out of here'

As I've gotten older, I've been able to really appreciate and acknowledge her for the wonderful job she's done with raising my siblings and I. Don't get me wrong I came up in a 2 parent home. I'm the second of 7 children (5 boys & 2 girls) from the same momma and daddy. My parents got married when they were 17 & 18 years old. In fact, they got married on my father's birthday. Basically at my age they had a full family (or congregation as my mother so often referred to us as). I can't imagine having 1 damn child at this age god forbid trying to manage 7 but she did it. Let me add she did a DAMN good job of it. Sometimes I think 2 good of a job because after my baby brother child turned 18, she nearly lost her mind. I remember her saying "All I know how to do is be a mother and a wife...what am I going to do now?" My answer is and has always been LIVE!

  My mom has this phenomenal ability to treat each of us as if we are her only child. People ask me all the time if I'm an only child and they are always surprised when I tell them how big my family is. Because were so young when they started the family, it was almost like we grew up with them. My mother is very quick to let people know her children are and have always been her world. She had this annoying habit of breaking out family pictures (u know the ones that dont belong outside of the house) at the oddest times and in the strangest places. She took us with her EVERYWHERE she went. We had to line up in height order and wait for her if she was shopping or engaged in one of her long conversations. People always complimented her on how well mannered we were. (of course they didnt know she ruled with an IRON FIST and a thick belt)

She ALWAYS made sure we had everything we needed and nothing more. She was (and still is in some ways) old fashioned with her parenting style. We always had dinner as a family and because we were heavily involved with the church (Sun-2 services, Tues, Friday and choir rehearsal on Saturdays) we had family devotion EVERY night. I still remember getting whippings for falling asleep during devotion or for not having a song prepared. Looking back, she spent a lot of time instilling values in each of us that I carry with me to this day. She also had this fascinating (yet very scary) prophetic sense that is so deep yet ridiculously accurate that we encourage her all the time to invest in a phone line and make some real money..lol.. she attributes it to this statement that she so often reminds my siblings and I of "just because they cut the imbilical cord doesnt mean they cut the bond' SHE ALWAYS KNOWS WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG WHETHER IM IN CHICAGO OR HOUSTON! That has always completely blown my mind.

I'll be in the middle of some serious shit over a thousand miles away and she'll randomly call and ask what's going on. At times when I avoid the call, she'll leave a message telling me either exactly whats going on with me or she'll say I know something is going on right now and u dont want to talk about it right now but just know that I'm praying for you. She's always been like my best friend/mother who I could tell just about anything to. We've had our issues like any mother and son but through it all, she's been right there in my corner encouraging me to pursue my dreams. When I didnt think I had a friend, she's always been there whether in person or spirit assuring me that I can do whatever I put my mind to. Even when she doesnt agree with my choices, she supports me and allows me to learn for myself.

She has a natural warm spirit that draws you into her presence. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS WHO'VE MET HER IMMEDIATELY FALL IN LOVE WITH HER! She's just that kind of person and I love her with every fiber of my being. She always talks about how proud she is of me but right now PROUD isnt a big enough word to explain how I feel about her. A little over a year ago, she and my father separated and she left Chicago and began a brand new life in St. Paul, Minnesota (I know eww for Minnesota) but she is happier than I've ever seen her throughout my whole life. She has her own apartment and has adjusted very well to the city. She has good & bad days like any woman who spent 32 years of her life with the same person but the most important piece is she is happy and growing stronger by the day.

Diane Shirley Brown always encourages others not to wait until people die to give them their roses. Mom, I'm taking your advice and honoring you with this small token of my appreciation for always inspiring me to be bigger by being the brilliant, amazing and phenomenal beam of sunshine that I'm honored to call my mother. THANK YOU MOM AND ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS AND I LOVE YOU!!!

Guess Who's Back!!!!

I know its been a minute and I've been saying im coming back to blogland for over a year but I can honestly say im ready to come back. As you can see we've MOVED to a new location (that i'm loving much better than blogger) Please bare with me as I try to make the page look pretty :) I'm also moving some of my (and yours) favorite posts from the other page. For the people who are new to my page, I encourage you to read through some of my old post which will give a pretty good idea of who I am and what I'm about. If you were a regular reader of the other page, welcome back! During my absence, I noticed a LOT of new blogs have popped up. Many of them are pretty interesting while more of them are not (which is simply my opinion) I'm looking very forward to reconnecting with my blogland community and sharing my life/experiences on a whole new level. Needless to say a WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT has happened in my life since I stopped blogging regularly so I have a LOT to catch you up on. Trust me ALL will be revealed as I plan to share the good, bad and ugly..lol..I wanna thank each of you who've checked on me via email or phone. Your love has definitely been a source of inspiration and I really appreciate it. A special shoutout to Derrick L. Briggs who is definitely doin the damn thing with his bookclub. I had the opportunity to attend his last discussion a couple of weeks ago & I must say I was pleasantly surprise and more importantly very impressed. Despite the multitude of HATE thrown in Derricks direction, he's managed to rise above it while continuing to grow and make a difference which is definitely more than I can say about the majority of his haters. The discussion was enlightening, engaging and at times erotic :) The eye candy was delicious and the location was perfect. Keep up the good work Derrick! I also definitely gotta shoutout my new stepson Marcus aka Marz..I'm back baby...and last but not least Antar aka No4Real4Real, I havent 4got about u nigga..call me..Ok now that I've gotten through the warm fuzzy stuff, I need to get back to making this page look pretty....

5 Powerful Insights That Keep Me Sane

People always ask me how i keep my perspective on life even in the midst of chaos and most of the times i can't explain it. i've gone through some seriously scary shit throughout my 28 years on this earth but one thing that has always kept me grounded is the solid foundation started by my parents and the clear understanding that there is a higher power who dictates how things work in my life. additionally, i rely on a few powerful insights i've learned throughout the years that remain consistent anchors in my journey.

1. No matter what you do, you cannot control peoples thoughts or feelings. I hear people say all the time, "she's gonna think this if i do that or he's gonna think that if i say this" When you wrap your brain around the fact that you can't control what people are gonna think, then you stop living your life based on other people. I live my life without regard to other peoples thoughts and feelings. although it's a process that sometimes yields some challenging results, i can honestly say that overall it has worked to my benefit.

2. Sharing yourself and your experiences with others frees up the space for others the share themselves and their experiences with you. People ask me all the time why i don't mind sharing my life with other people. In fact, there have been times where i've shared too much and ended up wondering if i made the other person feel uncomfortable. What i've learned is that each time i share myself, people find strength within themselves to address things that they might not have had i not shared. the key to this as well as most of the insights is to detach from the results. NO EXPECTATIONS! Anytime i share i dont expect the person to say anything or feel a certain way.

3. In life every single thing happens for a reason. The key is to first GET the lesson and LEARN from it.
Oprah Winfrey says that god always sends lessons. sometimes the lessons come as little whispers and sometimes they come as thunderstorms because we didn't listen to the whispers. i've grown accustomed to getting the thunderstorm lessons because i have a few control issues and most of the time the whispers don't tell me enough. What i've learned (especially after the last storm) is that is not important for me to know the whole story. I'm taking a new approach and making a consicious effort to to listen to the whisper. I know in the long run this will save me a lot of unnecessary headache.

4. Excuses don't change the fact that whatever has happened actually happened.This one is hard for a lot of people because we love excuses. We love to find reasons to justify why we did't do what we said we were going to do or why something happened that we think shouldnt have. i notice people seem to get angry with me when i stop them in the middle of an excuse and tell them im not interested. I've found that its so much easier to take responsibility for whatever consequences that are associated with not being my word and moving on. People tend to respect me more and the time that could have been used to create an excuse is used to do something that adds to making me the best me i can be.

5. Learning to love Bobby Brown Jr for everything that he is and everything that he isn't makes me a better human being.
I spent so much of my life hating myself and everything about me and i didnt realize that by doing that i was basically cursing god for his creation and lashing out at other folks for seeing this wonderful person he created. I had to learn how to accept me for me because if god wanted me to be different he would have made me different. Yes I'm a unique individual but that's what makes me special. Its the reason people come to me on a daily basis and tell me how much i inspire them to be different. its the reason i say what i feel like saying without regard for others opinions of me. and last but not least, its the reason i'm destined for great success but my creator wouldnt have it any other way. and besides if i cant love me for me, how can i expect anybody else too??

My Baby Momma

anybody who knows me is already aware of this but for those of u who don't, let me take a minute to catch u up. Our relationship started back in 1998, i was living in houston, tx and i remember seeing her for the first time on BET. She's the lead singer in a girl group. (destiny's child..more on them in a future post...stay tuned) The group was performing there first single "No, No, No" and i was IMMEDIATELY attracted to her voice. I'm a self professed music fanatic and i have a special appreciation for REAL singers. Not only did she have pipes but she was FINE ASS HELL. I mean u jus dont see girls with natural beauty and a ghetto booty at the same time. anyway i digress... back to Beyonce (damn jus sayin that name send tingles through me)..i wasnt crazy about the song but i knew i was crazy about her. i started reading everything written about the group and i've followed her career ever since. i've been with her through the breakups, lawsuits, movies etc.

ill never forget the first time i saw her in person. i've always wondered why people cry at concerts or when they saw there favorite celebrities but i know now. i was on the phone with david (my pledge dad) walking down 5th ave (i think) i saw this beautiful girl walking out of the Gucci store with this BIG dude and another girl. she didnt have on any makeup and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. i told david "this girl looks just like beyonce...oh my god it's her" i started hypervenilating and could hardly breath. no words came out i just pointed. she saw me and started laughing and waving. i'll never forget that moment. EVER!

one of the major things that facinates me about her is the fact that she raw yet absoluting AMAZING natural talent. she writes her own material and her voice is simply FUCKING FANTASTIC! the other unique quality about her that puts her in a completely different catagory that her counterparts is her humble spirit. from the beginning, she has always been HUMBLE. in every interview, she's gracious, modest and most of all grateful. it's always been clear to me that she LOVES what she's doing. her work ethic inspires me because she's worked so hard (from the beginning) and her efforts are finally paying off.

people have hated on her from the start. i've gotten into HEATED debates with people about her defending her as if we are close friends. the ONLY i've ever agreed with the haters on is her acting ability. She is definitely in need of about 10 more acting classes before she can be solidified a bonafide actress. i was heartbroken when i found out she was dating Jay-Z. but the more i thought about it, the more it made sense. Good girls like bad boys! and at least he's on top of his game and can take care of her.

I can't wait till see her in about 5 years after she's had a baby or 2 and lived a little. the world won't be ready because she hasnt even scratched the surface of her potential. maybe one day she'll realize we have a child together and start paying some goddamn child support....

You Are To Blame For Your Success or Failure

I found this article while doing research and developing my Interviewing Workshop. I thought it was so powerful that it is now a part of the participant guide for candidates who attend my workshop. I'm currently preparing for a workshop I'm scheduled to do at a university in NY on Monday and as I reviewed it again, i thought it would be useful for some of you so here it is. Read it carefully and enjoy!

You Are to Blame for Your Success or Failure (courtesy of careerbuilder.com)

Unless you've been under a rock for the past decade or so, you've heard of the inspirational Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, co-authored by Jack Canfield. In his new book, The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be, Canfield gives us the secrets to success in all forms of life, including achieving the highest goals possible in your career.

"If you want to be successful, you have to take 100 percent responsibility for everything that you experience in your life," Canfield writes. "This includes the level of your achievements, the results you produce, the quality of your relationships ... everything!"

You must be brutally honest to get the results you want. This means giving yourself a huge reality check. While it might be a bitter pill to swallow, the outcome will be the results you've been searching for. Here are Canfield's fundamentals of success on the job ... and in life

Take 100 percent responsibility for everything.
The fundamental principle of success is taking 100 percent responsibility for your life. One of the most pervasive myths in our culture today is that you are entitled to a great life – that somehow, somewhere, someone is responsible for filling our lives with continual happiness, exciting career options, nurturing family time and blissful personal relationships, simply because we exist. But the truth is there is only one person responsible for the quality of life you live. That person is you.

You have to give up all your excuses, blaming and complaining.
We are conditioned to blame and never want to look at the real problem, ourselves. To be successful, one must give up blaming and complaining. Forget the victim stories, the reasons you can't and your blaming of outside circumstances. Instead ask "How did I create that?" "What did I say or not say?" and "What do I need to do differently next time to get the result I want?"

If you don't like your outcomes, change your responses.
If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the responses you've always gotten. For example, if you send out the same résumé and cover letter to job openings without any response, you should revise them or examine how the jobs you are applying to match up with your skills. If you want something different, you'll have to do something different.

Everything you experience today is the result of choices you have made in the past.
Every experience in your life is the result of how you responded to a previous situation. You have control over three things in your life – your thoughts, images you visualize and your actions. How you use these determines your experiences.

You either create or allow everything that happens to you.
You might disagree with this statement, but Canfield explains, "By create, I mean that you directly cause something to happen by your actions or inactions." For example, you didn't attend any sales or motivational seminars and now the new kid has won a sales award.

Forgiveness For Freedom: How I Learned 2 Love The Dad I HATED For 22 Years

Before 1999, if you would have asked me about the man who planted my seed into my mother and gave me his name, I probably would have immediately frowned and said 'I don’t have a father, he died after he came inside my mother.' Yea I know, that's how much I hated him. In fact, for as far back as I can remember, I never really liked him because I always felt like I never measured up to what I thought were his outrageous standards. I always felt like we were complete opposites who didn't have the bond I imagined fathers and sons should have. For example, he liked sports and I didn't, he never displayed emotions and I wore my emotions on my sleeve, he has ALWAYS been the most masculine man I know and has always DESPISED any hint of femininity in men, I've always struggled with a few slight feminine traits that have been with me for as long as I can remember. The first time ever I heard him say 'If any one of my son's ever turned out to be gay, I will break a broom across his back.' I was six years old. As the years passed, that phrase became one of his signature statements that plagued my life for more than 20 years. As I've shared many times before, I was raised in a VERY strict religious household. I've always been different. For most of my childhood and teen years being different was a constant source of frustration and heartache to my already complicated life. I couldn't understand why I NEVER fit into the typical social circles, cliques, the popular crews etc regardless to how hard I tried. Although I'm sure attending one of Chicago's premier performing arts/college prep high schools with a bunch of trust fund babies while living in the ghetto didn't help my issues. I blamed my father for being more concerned with working damn near 7 days a week than spending quality time with our family as I imagined every other father was doing. I blamed him for not paying enough attention to the son he decided to give his name. Around the age of 8, I became an overachiever and got involved every activity I could. I thought by excelling in school, he'd be forced to look past me being different and be proud of my accomplishments. I desperately wanted him to realize he hadn't made a mistake by giving me his name even though I'd already convinced myself he had. To my surprise, my plan didn't work. When I got the lead in school plays, he never showed up to see me. When I won numerous awards for leadership and various national speech contests, he never came to cheer me on. When I got accepted into the highly competitive theatre program of my first choice high school, his response was "I hope you don't think you going to that school especially since it's on the north side. Aint nothing on the north side but white people and faggots."(btw I went anyway thanx to my mother) As I moved into my teen years, the hatred and bitterness for him grew more. Since my previous plan to get his attention didn't work, I set my mind on making more money than him and doing better (academically & financially) than anybody else in my immediate family (especially him). This time I was sure he would get it because I would be so successful, there would be no way for him NOT to get it. In order to definitely make the plan work without distractions from the major dysfunction at home I'd grown accustomed to, I decided to leave a few months shy of my 16th birthday. (there were a few other factors I wont address in this post that were a part of this decision including a month long stay at a mental institution initiated by my parents, a humiliating meeting with ALL of the ministers from my parents church and an old fashion beat down by good old dad himself) Little did I know that decision would change the trajectory of my life and despite a multitude of accomplishments including achieving the major goal (making more money than him) I was so sure would finally force him to get it, he didn't and I remained unhappy and unfulfilled. I tried writing a letter to him with a list of all of my accomplishments and more importantly my TRUE feelings about him and our relationship (or lack thereof). I intentionally mailed it a few days before father's day to ensure he got it on or shortly after the day I’d grown to hate with every fiber of my being. As I reflect back to how I was feeling when I wrote the letter, I should have known it wouldn’t produce the results I was hoping for because it came from a place of anger, blame and hate. While I'm not able to recall everything I wrote, I do remember ending the letter with 'I would be lying if I wished you a Happy Father's Day because you have/will NEVER understand what it means to be a Father' A few days later, I got a call from my mother (who was very upset) . She said 'Bobby I don't know what you put in that letter but it really messed your father up. He hasn't been right since he got it. He's not eating or sleeping and I'm really worried about him' Although I really wanted to be happy about the fact that it affected him, my conscious wouldn't let me because I knew things wouldn't change. A few more years passed and our relationship (or lack thereof) remained the same. At this point, I started noticing something about my life that shook the core of my foundation. I was stuck in vicious cycle that was causing me to make the same mistakes over and over again. Each time I thought my life was finally working well, something fucked up would happen and I'd have to start all over again. On top of that, I was addicted to being busy which caused me to get involved in a bunch of different activities to occupy my time when the reality was I wasn’t doing ANY of them well. I realized it was time to figure out what I was running from. I knew the ONLY way I'd be able to really see what was going on, I would have to force myself to sit down and spend some serious time examining the role I'd played in why my life wasn't working.(specifically some of the decisions I'd made) Now don't get me wrong, I'd been down this road before. I knew exactly what I needed to do but honestly I was scared as hell at the very thought of looking at some of the ugly shit from my past that I'd tried (unsuccessfully of course) to push out of my mind so I could move on with my life. It was so much easier to blame my dad and fucked up childhood for why my life was a mess. I'd also tried EVERYTHING to try to fix myself!! Therapy…Didn't work for me, Church….I had major issues with church after being molested by several members of the church I was raised in. I also blamed the church for playing a MAJOR part in destroying my family so seeking help from any CHURCH or anything church related wasn't an option. My LAST option turned out to be exactly what I needed to help me work through my shit. I actually blogged about how that experience COMPLETELY changed my life and helped me forgive my father NOT for him but for myself. Check out THIS POST for more on that. I wanted to share my story with anybody who is carrying ANY bitterness, hatred or anger towards your family (specifically your immediate family) I know how it feels to be so hurt by things your OWN DAMN family members (including your parents) did to you that you have NO DESIRE to even be in their presence. After some of the fucked up shit my father did to me, I honestly believed without a shadow of a doubt that there was absolutely NO WAY in hell I could ever forgive him and forget about establishing any kind of relationship with him. That was COMPLETELY out of the question. I convinced myself that I would NEVER give him the opportunity to hurt me again. In fact, for about 10 years I only spoke to him if he answered the phone when I called my mom. I never shared ANYTHING about my life and was sometimes downright nasty to him when he’d answer the phone. The hardest pill for me to swallow became one of the biggest lessons I learned in life. WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE IT WOULDNT MATTER HOW HARD I WORKED TO BE SUCCESSFUL, I'D NEVER BE COMPLETELY HAPPY AND FREE UNTIL I COMPLETELY FORGAVE HIM AND FREED MYSELF OF THE HEAVY NEGATIVE WEIGHT ASSOCIATED THOSE FEELINGS (whether I chose to see, acknowledge and deal with them) Believe it or not that realization was not enough for me to do anything to fix it. A small yet very significant realization inspired me to take the first step. UNDERSTANDING and FULLY ACCEPTING the fact that forgiving him was not about him or for him. It was ALL ABOUT ME!! Forgiving him didn't mean I would have to establish a relationship. I also didn't need to forget what he did to me to forgive him. He didn't have to acknowledge what he did or apologize to me b/c the reality is HE KNOW’S VERY WELL WHAT HE DID and that is HIS WORK TO DO! It has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! I will NEVER be able to explain in words the feeling I experienced after I forgave him without ANY attachments or expectation. It was an out of body, once in a lifetime experience that I'll NEVER forget and I can honestly say my life hasn't been the same since. I'm happy to report that while we damn sure aint the best of friends, I have a pretty decent relationship with my dad. It's not perfect but life isn't so we’re doing ok. Without a doubt, I know I'm a better person and my life is significantly different (in a great way) as a result forgiving him. The fact that I’m in a wonderful, healthy relationship with the love of my life and experiencing REAL LOVE for the first time in my life is a clear example of what's possible if you allow yourself to take the risk of letting go of your past to create the space for a future of limitless possibilities. HELL NAW IT AINT EASY AND HELL YEA IT TAKES TIME but this is your life and your future we’re talking about here…YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Trust me on this one. Now in case you hadn't notice from the pictures, I couldn't deny him as my father if I tried. I'm finally at a point in my life where I can acknowledge and accept some of great positive traits/characteristics I've inherited from him that have contributed to the fabric of my being thus far. Since I actually have 4 different dads (more on that later) I thought I'd share 4 positive traits/ characteristics I inherited from Bobby Brown Sr. that I'm grateful for.

4 Positive Traits/Characteristics I Inherited From Bobby Brown Sr.I. Self-Confidence (often mistaken for arrogance) & Fantastic Genes

Despite the fact my dad celebrated his 50th birthday this year, he is in EXCELLENT shape (he works out at least 3 times a week) He doesn’t look his age AT ALL and can easily pass for mid-30s. One of the things I've always admired about him is how effortless he displays confidence. It's definitely a gift he carries in his bowlegged stride wherever he goes.

II. Amazing Work Ethic

Throughout my life, I've NEVER witnessed my father out of work and I can still count on both hands the number of times he's called in sick. He's always done a DAMN good job taking care of our family of 9 (7 children and my mom). There were times he worked 2 jobs seven days a week just to make sure our needs were met. Not only that, he is a HARD worker who doesn't mind rolling up his sleeves and getting dirty to get the job done. I'm always amazed when I think about the fact that at my age, he was taking care of a family. This is definitely the trait I’m the most grateful for inheriting b/c it has taken me very far.

III. The Razor Sharp Tongue (that refuses to be held more often than not)

This is one of several traits I inherited from my mom & dad. I've personally witnessed (and been on the receiving end) of them in action (separately & together) and I'm still hoping one day I'll be as good as them. They have two very different yet highly effective styles/approaches that yield some interesting (sometimes very ugly) results. My mother is very outgoing, talkative and definitely has the 'gift of gab' which she uses to her benefit. I can't tell you how many times I've watched or heard my mother let somebody have it with a big smile on her face and in the friendliest tone. If you don't believe me, ask Rodney or Dizyaboy. Please understand that even though I've invested a LOT of time and energy into developing my verbal communication skills (aka my tongue) I've learned (the hard way of course) NOT TO TEST HER (especially in public or in the presence of company) My dad's style/approach is and has always been very SHORT, DIRECT and UNFILTERED delivery without regard to feelings. You'll always know exactly what he thinks or how he feels about things (especially if he doesn't agree with you or has a reason to believe you might be wrong) His personality is the complete opposite of my mother. HE IS NOT OUTGOING, TALKATIVE or FRIENDLY. In fact, my siblings and I think he is SHADY AS HELL. He is the master of 'looking through' people. (another trait I inherited) He won’t speak to you if you've not spoken first. . However, if you happen to capture his attention long enough to engage in a conversation, you should be ready to hear the truth without the warm fuzzies. During a conversation with him a few weeks ago, he said 'I really don’t like being around people. I believe I could exist on this planet by myself and be ok' GOTTA LOVE IT! As you can probably imagine, disagreements/arguments between my parents tend to be a lengthy word battles I’m pretty sure this trait was already in motion by the time I came out my mother's wound. She once told me "from the time you started talking, that mouth has been something else" I remember the warning she'd say (so much I’m hearing her voice right now) "Bobby, that mouth is gonna get you in trouble when you get older" Of my 6 siblings, I was the one who would continue to ask questions after whippings/beatings/punishments. I can't tell you how many additional smacks/beatings/punishments I got as a result of talking back. I was the one in church who took pleasure in giving the ushers HELL! (ex: During service, when the ushers passed out paper to dispose of gum, I'd either ignore them and keep chewing or hold the paper in the air with a sarcastic 'what is this for' look. (again ask Dizyaboy if you don’t believe me) Believe it or not I can honestly say that while my tongue has definitely gotten me into some "uncomfortable" situations, overall it has worked VERY well for me. Of course when you throw in 10 years of training via my professional career in Human Resources while experiencing life, making mistakes and learning lessons, I think I've turned out ok thanks to a solid foundation which includes a sharp tongue from both of my parents. FYI: I spent a significant amount of time debating with myself trying to figure out how to articulate the fourth (and last) positive trait I inheritated without being too vulgar or revealing too much information about myself (and my dad for that matter) The more I thought about it, the more I realized the best way to say it is to just say it. (kinda like my daddy) so here it goes.

IV. A very special (larger than average) "gift" that has and continues to afford me (and the chosen few who've been invited to engage) with a very active, pleasurable and extremely satisfying sex life.

I won't expound on this one b/c the statement says it all. If you're wondering how I know I inherited this trait from my dad consider the fact that I have 6 other siblings. Four of the seven (including 3 of my 5 brothers) already have more than one child. Need I say more?

Remembering Your Spirit & Exercising Your Mind

One of my mentors told me something about 6 years ago that changed the way i live my life. He said "People spend WAY too much time, energy and money working on their body (via working out, diet, surgery etc) and not enough time, energy and money working on there mind & spirit" Everybody (myself included) is so damn busy that we sometimes dont realize the importance of nurturing our spirit with goodness and exercising this muscle called the mind. I'm not referring to the spirituality craze the media led us to believe was the new phenom, i'm talking about therapy, church, meditation, personal development seminars, self-help books (that have some substance) and for some people like me Kaballah.

Now b4 u allow your mind to wonder away from the topic based on the name Kaballah alone, i encourage you to at least stay with me until i get to my point. Many minorities (especially african americans) have issues with going to therapy (for reasons that can definitely take up another post) and therefore choose to use church as the SOLE source of exercise for their mind & spirit. But what about people like me who were raised (and sexually abused) in church which altered my view of not only church but religion overall? what about people who've tried religion (in it's various forms) and realized its not something that works for them? I could go on and on with different scenarios but ill stop there and ask ARE WE ALL EVIL SINNERS BOUND FOR HELL? HAVE WE NO OPTIONS BUT TO CONTINUE LIVING DAY AFTER DAY HOPING ITS NOT OUR TURN TO JOIN SATAN IN OUR PREDESTINED HOME DOWN BELOW?

Ok im being sarcastic but its hard not to when we have a president that hasnt learned the difference between church & state and i digress...anyway my point is I've learned not to rely on ONE source to keep my mind and spirit healthy. Since as a human being, I'm constantly learning, growing and ultimately changing, I'm always looking for different vehicles/routines to assist with keeping both my mind and spirit strong and positive. One of the things that has worked tremendously for me is Kaballah. NO I havent spent ANY money on the courses (yet but i plan to). About a year ago, I attended a free kaballah lecture in NY (thanx to a STRONG recommendation from my best friend Abby) and found the information shared to be quite useful. I was surprised to learn its NOT a religion! (hmm too bad that not how the media portrays it) I like to explain it as practical technology designed to help you be the best you and live the life you've been given with fulfillment and joy by taking full responsibility for yourself and actions.

As a self professed "on and off again skeptic" I wasnt convinced enough by the lecture to pay money to enroll in one of the courses. However, I did sign up to receive a FREE Weekly Consciousness Tune-Up via email. (basically each week the consciousness Tune-Up presents an issue/belief/habit etc that could be causing chaos/negative karma in your life. It also offers practical solutions to help you either eliminate, change or embrace it.) i know that wasnt the best explanation but maybe it will be more clear after you read an example of what i'm referring to. What I know for sure is that signing up for the consciousness Tune-Up has become one of the BEST decisions i've made in my life. Not only have they helped me gain clarity around how every single one of my actions and how i live my life every day affect the amount of fulfillment and joy i receive but they've taught me a valuable lesson about taking FULL responsibility for my self and how to create the life I want. I'll never forget the title of my first tune-up 'The World Remains The Same' (I've posted a few brief excerpts from that tune-up that will hopefully help u understand why my life hasnt been the same since I started getting them each week).

The most amazing (yet very bizarre) thing about it is that each week the topic speaks ALMOST EXACTLY to where I am. (im referring to my mind and spirit) I've decided to put my own spin on the idea and offer Bobby's Weekly consciousness Tune-Up's to my blog visitors. NO I will not use the information from the Kaballah Tune-Up's. Each tune-up will be practical and hopefully useful to you. I'll also provide a song (with a portion of the lyrics) that will be correlated to the tune-up. (obviously listening to song is not a requirement but a request so make your decision accordingly)

THE DISCLAIMER - THROUGHOUT THIS POST I'VE OFFERED MY OPINION ABOUT A VARIETY OF TOPICS (including religion) PLEASE REMEMBER THAT MY OPINION IS JUST THAT...MY SINGLE OPINION & I'M ENTITLED TO IT. I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR COMMENTARY ABOUT WHY U DISAGREE WITH ME OR WHY I SHOULD CHANGE IT. I DON'T PROFESS TO HAVE ALL THE RIGHT ANSWERS AND I'M NOT COMMITTED TO BEING RIGHT. I DO BELIEVE PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE ALTERNATIVE TOOLS 2 NAVIGATE THROUGH THIS THING CALLED LIFE. IF WHAT YOU ARE DOIN ISN'T WORKIN, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO TRY USING THE MANY TOOLS I'LL OFFER. IF THEY WORK FOR YOU KEEP THEM AND CONSIDER IT A GIFT! IF THEY DON'T WORK FOR YOU THEN BY ALL MEANS DON'T USE THEM! I WONT BE OFFENDED EITHER WAY B/C IM NOT ATTACHED.

As I've said many times throughout this blog I'm committed to using my life and experiences to make a difference. By doing this (the tune-up thing), I'm honoring my part of the agreement I made with the creator. (or god or higher power) I've learned to follow his instructions and he takes care of me so I probally wont know from week to week what the tune-up is until he reveals it to me. Thank you creator for using me as a vessel to share your message.

Kaballah Weekly consciousness Tune-Up Excerpt - Title: The World Remains The Same

Brief Excerpt: The energy this week is all about defying gravity, pushing ourselves to reach for more, to open our sixth sense, to see things we donÂ’t normally perceive. In addition, there are two powerful lessons to embrace this week. The first is our tendency to look only at the bad.

We all do it, right? Think about it - if you saw a bad movie, or had terrible service in a restaurant, or someone did something to you that you didn't like, how many people would you tell? Research shows you'd tell about 35 people. But good news? This is usually spread to far fewer people. It's human nature to be attracted to the bad things. When someone tells you everything is good with them, you say, "That’s nice, I’m happy for you." But if someone tells you something bad, you say, "Really?? Tell me more!!" The thing for you to realize is that whenever you hear about something good, it is being told to you for a reason. The Light is waking you up to new possibilities. Instead of thinking,, ‘Oh, I can never have that or succeed at that,’ try imagining that you are hearing it for a good reason.

Allow yourself to be attracted to the good this week. And don’t just listen, but go check things out. If someone recommends a new exercise or book, look into it. There just might be something in there to help you change your nature.

Who's In Control of The Plan?

for the past 3 months, I’ve had to carefully navigate my way through what has turned out to be the biggest storm of my life. there were definitely periods where I didn’t think I would make it through with my life and/or my sanity. (Yes I seriously contemplated taking my life several times) this experience tested every single fiber of my being and forced me to make some very difficult (and sometimes painful) decisions regarding this thing I call my life. after the eye of the storm hit, i remember sitting alone with myself thinking "this was not part of the plan"

ive lived my life up to this point based around plans. you know the concept..make a plan and execute it and it's worked for me more often than not. yes i've had to make adjustments but overall the plan usually worked. for example, several years ago i was working in a job where i was doin all of the work of a sr. person but not being compensated accordingly. the excuse the manager consistently used was "i can't promote u b/c u dont have a degree" yes i was attendin school part-time pursuing the degree but that wasnt enough..so i put together a plan that allowed me to go to school full-time so that a degree couldnt be used as an excuse. somehow the plan worked (dont ask me how cuz i'm amazed myself when i think about how i worked a full time job as a hr manager, took a full-class load and still managed to run a chapter (yea im an alpha & former chapter president) so i figured dont fix whats working for u...

fast forward to jan 04 - i'm livin in nyc (and lovin it!), workin in a job that i loved, for a company i hated and a salary that didnt even scratch the surface of what i was worth. but i was happy..why? lets start with the fact that i was in LOVE (hmmm that love thang can get u every damn time) and i had a plan...my plan was to quit the job and start my own company. i was fed up with wastin my talents on corporations that will never pay/value me for my worth. for the most part the plan was workin (yes there were a few adjustments but it was workin and again i was happy) around april '04 my plan started comin undone...i felt a storm comin and i tried to brace for it but i was not prepared..i'll spare u the details of everything that happened but i'll give u a little taste...

just for size..try on being physically assaulted, realizing friends who've been a part of your life forever don't bring value to your life anymore, bein so broke u can barely pay attention, being homeless and realizing that the relationship u thought was IT (i mean the one, the only, the end) was it at all and thats just a taste.

I can now say with sincere honesty and assurance that the storm has passed, the sun is shining again, and most of all i got the lesson.

In life, its good to have plans ,in fact i believe having a plan essential for anybody who wants to be successful. However, i believe there are 2 key factors you have to include in the plan to ensure it's effective.

1. Understand that YOU are not in full control of the plan of your life. There is a higher power that has the final say in whether or not your plan will work.

2. Detach from the outcome of the plan so that u wont set yourself up to be upset. What that means in english is make a plan but don't be so attached to the results (with your expectations) that if the plan doesnt work, your world would come crashing down...

It's good to see the sun again....and i'm actually lovin dc thus far

FREE (My New Anthem)

'ain't no feeling like being FREE...when yo minds made up and yo heart is in the right place' Destiny's Child

ok so i finally decided to do this blog thing and im wondering now if my timing is a little off. why? well let's see...

less than 24 hours ago, i ended a relationship with the person i thought (and still do) was the love of my life, i also recently made my unplanned summer visit to washington, dc official by becomin a resident, i heard from my book agent this week that apparently we are very close to solidifying a pretty healthy book deal with a major publishing house and last but certainly not least....the company i started back in jan is well on its way to becoming the empire i've always dreamed about.....

yea so the space im in right now can't be described in words...lets just say i'm still breathin and that's more than enough to keep me goin although for the first time in a mighty long time, i cried myself to sleep last nite. when i finally got up this mornin, it looked like somebody punched me in both of my eyes or i had a nasty allergic reaction to some raw fish (which i recently learned im allergic to)

anyway in spite of that and all of the other bullshit life attempts to force down my throat i remain grateful b/c things could always be worse. and trust me i know about worse (but thats a topic for another post...stay tuned) i've learned (the hard way of course) that life is way too short to waste even a second on being depressed or down in the dumps. i VALUE my time and i'm always extremely aware of how its spent.

the blogging world is not a "new" thing for me. there are a few that i visit on a daily basis. in fact i've found reading them to be highly addictive so i make it a rule to read no more than 2 entries per blog/per day...anyway i digress..more than one person (including my book agent)has suggested i start one but since my plate is so crowded with all the stuff mentioned above, and my time is so limited, blogging didnt show up on my radar screen of priorities until i got a text from eric aka Dizyaboy (a friend who recently started bloggin) askin me to check out his new site .

eric and i have know each other since birth..(literally, our mothers were pregnant together) we have very similiar characteristics and we've been told my many (including members of our family) that we are a lot alike and i happen to agree to a certain extent. one of the MAJOR differences can be summed up in one phrase...I'm an open book and he's a closed casket...now b4 u make that mean somethin that it doesnt, allow me to briefly explain (trust me the story is long & will definitly be the topic of a future post..stay tuned)

'im an open book' translation i'm very comfortable with this thing i like to call my life. i've worked through many of the self-hate issues black men tend to have and most of all im authentic and i live my life in authenticity (for the slow people authentic means REAL)

'he's a closed casket' translation eric is non-emotional or what i like to call not the 'warm fuzzy type' up till now he hasnt really worked through some of the issues that caused him not to be in tuned with his emotions so he comes off to many as cold.

hopefully the translations r clear (if not stay tuned for more later) the whole point of what has now become of paragraph of blah blah is I WAS INSPIRED BY ERIC'S BLOGSPOT TO START MY OWN....THANK YOU ERIC AND KNOW THAT I LOVE U and I'm very proud of you.

so to sum up this first entry, i want to prepare u for what u can expect from beingbobbybrownjr.blogspot.com....

honesty without regard 4 feelings, inspiration, humor and most of all an up and very personal view of what it's like being bobby brown jr

please bare with me as i try to figure out how to make this site look interesting..