YOU ARE LOVED! ~A Post About Suicide~(Updated)

*The title of this post was inspired by this song

So I'm havin a very hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that within da last 72hrs not 1 but 2 people (one whom I'm VERY close with) attempted suicide! One succeeded (RIP Joseph Jefferson) thank god da other didn't and even tho he's in pretty bad shape emotionally I spoke with him 2nite and he's ok. At his request I won't share anything else about him but I do want to highly encourage each of u to check on your friends and the people you love. If u feel like sumthin ain't rite it probaly isn't. Be persistent NOT pushy and make yourself available. I know depression is not a joke but there is NO EXCUSE 2 take yo life! NONE! It's not yours to take & its an absolutely heartless, cowardly & selfish thing to do 2 the people who care about you (and yes despite what you think SOMEBODY cares about YOU!) Even if it's only ONE person that ONE person cares and doesn't deserve the hurt & pain you'll cause by removing yourself from da earth .

Just in case u can't think of anybody I'll give one to start with. What about the person who despite havin a full time job several kids and a disabled parent to manage/deal with on a daily basis, makes a way to VOLUNTEER at least one nite out of there week to sit by a phone in a SUICIDE CRISIS CENTER waiting to take calls from people like you who they know nothing about! Why? because THEY CARE! THERE IS NO EXCUSE!

I had a very close friend who was an only child. In 2005, he lost his mother and grandmother during hurricane Katrina. He committed suicide and tho I've forgiven him and i miss him terribly I'm still very hurt by what he did and despite his circumstances I STILL feel what he did was wrong and there is STILL NO EXCUSE to take you our life! I DON'T CARE how bad u think it is.

About 3 years ago, EVERYTHING that could go wrong in my life did with. I was laid off a job that I actually really liked without any warning or savings, the person I'd spent 3 years of my life with and loved more than i'd ever loved ANYBODY hurt me in a way that I thought at the time was completely irrepairable & to make matters worse even tho I had a place to lay my head (thank god for David Blake) I was technically homeless. At the time I was living in DC and sumhow convinced myself that moving back to NYC would make things (& me better) NOT! The depression only got worse. The sadness only got worse, The pain only got worse, The loneliness only got worse, The feelings of failure & worthlessness only got worse, The isolation only grew deeper because I convinced myself that NOBODY understood what i was going thru and I was TIRED of picking myself up after falling so many times. I never wanted to become "that person" who ALWAYS lives there life going from one crisis to another and I'd convinced myself I'd become him. Even though I was raised with a full understanding of who GOD is, I'd convinced myself he really didnt care about people like me because i was one of "those people" who I'd been taught to be believe was an abomindation & therefore destined to hell. So praying or talking to GOD was off the table and not an option. I needed to numb the pain so i tried a WHOLE LOTTA STUFF including sex, drugs and a few other things that arent worthy of mentioning because NONE OF IT WORKED!

Up to that point, I hadnt imagined my life without my partner so I convinced myself life really wasnt worth living since it seemed like everytime things were going well in my life, SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN that would knock me down & I'd spend a ridiculous amount of time & energy picking myself up and starting all over again. For the very first time in my life, I started thinking about ending my life. It started as small random thoughts and before I knew it, it was all I could think about but the shame of admitting that 'strong Bobby who has gone thru a lot' was at his breaking point kept me from reaching out to the people who love me including my close friends & family.

Honestly I really dont remember the details leading up to the actual day/attempt. I do remember reaching out to my ex and telling him what I'd done. The next thing I remember was laying in a bed at NY Presbterian hospital in the psych emergency room all alone (except for the CRAZYS & CRIMINALS) surrounding me. I spent the next 2 weeks in Allen Pavillion (psych ward). The 2nd nite I was there, I met my psych doctor and she planted the seed that put me on the path to recovery. The very first thing she said was "Mr. Brown you're better than this & you know it! You're smarter than this & you know it! You're bigger than this & you know it! and if you don't use the time you're here to bring it back into your consiousness!" At that point I broke down and cried for 3 hours straight. I cried so much the nurse offered me a pill to calm my nerves..lol i politely declined and cried some more. As I cried, the words to an old song entitled 'Lean On Me' they used to sing at the church I was raised in came to my mind and wouldnt leave. Here are the lyrics:

When no one cared about me, if I should live or die. When no one bothered asking, why go along jus cry. When burdens got so heavy, I could not face the day. Thats when I feel his arms around me & I hear him gently say...

LEAN ON ME...when you have no strength to stand, when you feel you're going under, hold tighter to my hand. LEAN ON ME...when your heart is getting weak, WHEN YOU COME TO A PLACE WHERE IM ALL YOU HAVE, YOU WILL FIND I'M ALL YOU NEED!

Now the road is getting rugged, and the path is getting steep. I feel that i cant make it, and my heart is getting weak thats when I turn to see who's coming to guide me along the way, I can thats its my savior and i can hear him gently say...

LEAN ON ME...when you have no strength to stand, when you feel you're going under, hold tighter to my hand. LEAN ON ME...when your heart is getting weak, WHEN YOU COME TO A PLACE WHERE IM ALL YOU HAVE, YOU WILL FIND I'M ALL YOU NEED!

At that moment, I reintroduced myself to GOD and apologized for having a "when i need you relationship with him" Fast forward 3 years and I have a job, I have place to live, Im still very single but I'm HAPPY with me. I got my joy back! I got my peace back! Life hasnt been easy cuz its really just not meant to be but I'M STILL HERE! & I'm still about my future!

I've shared my very personal story (and yall know how private I am about my business)  with the hopes that at least ONE person can use my experience as inspiration to keep going! keep pumping! keep pressing! keep smiling, keep being grateful, keep moving & keep living because in spite of what you may think at this moment, YOU ARE LOVED!

PS You have my permission to pass share this post any way you see fit! My only request is that you let me know via email bobbybrownjr@gmail.com, facebook or twitter so that im prepared in case people might wanna reach out to me as a result of you sharing this.  

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that I worked thru that whole "people like me are an abomination and destined to hell" foolishness. The easiest way to explain it is to repost my reply to a recent comment on my FB page regarding the topic.  Shoutout to my girl Kathy who actually instigated the conversation..lol here is our exchange directly from the comment section of my facebook page.

Katherine Hardney Banks Pastor Gordon often said we would be great servants of God if we were on an island by ourselves. Ppl will get in the way if you let them. Maybe he was trying to fight it. I believe Pastor Donnie McClurkin who acknowledged he is not a praticing homosexual anymore and that God can deliver you. He also said if you happy being gay, stay that way he just knows what God did for him. Im like Tupac, "Only God Can Judge Me!" and he will!

Bobby Brown Jr wow..this is a sensitive topic that can spark a lot of emotions based on peoples commitment to their point of view. @kathy i love you and will still love you after u read my next few statements. There is no such thing such thing as being "d...elivered" from homosexuality.If there were I would have gotten it MANY years ago and passed it on 2 every other homosexual i know. I stop askin GOD to "deliver" me from being gay after he told me that he made me exactly the way he wanted me. If he wanted me to be anything/body else he wouldve made me that way. Period! The GOD i serve doesnt make mistakes & we have a GREAT relationship! btw Pastor McClurkin is still a homosexual & its only a matter of time b4 he's exposed jus like Eddie Long. We can agree to disagree on this topic b/c our views are different. Im also not interested in using the comment section of my facebook page to dialogue about it & I still luv ya like cooked food :)

Comments

[Mandell ( sorry if I wrote too much)]

I once had a friend who killed himself...
he was attractive, smart, had good job, and physically fit seemed healthy.

Everything in his life seemed so good, therefore I never could understand why at times he but when we spoke he was often sad down and lonely.
But I was young then and somewhat aloof.
and I thought most of the time; "He's just going though it" He'll be fine.

He reached out me over and over.Calling to hangout,or at times just talk.
But what did I do? I blew him off and made excuses not to listen. Then a few months later he killed himself.

I know I am just one person but I might have made if difference if my response to his pleas weren't so selfish.

Thanks you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

There is much more I could say on this subject but I'll end it by saying we all matter to someone and its important not to forget that.

Thanks again, your an inspiration as always.